Just Getting Started

2011-12-25T23:42:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over, with all its mixed emotions and tension. It was a relaxed day after all the preparations. No family disagreements, just a fun time at the river. Our children are adults now, some with babies of their own. They help prepare the dinner and get the tables ready. We have a close family even with our differences. Our family is reforming after the deaths of our parents. I think we're going to be all right.

Year one of retirement

2011-09-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

My retirement began with my best friend's cancer diagnosis. I was driving on the Atlanta freeway when she called to tell me that she had stage four cancer. It was a Sunday, and I was driving to North Carolina to meet friends for a week in the mountains. I had retired the previous Friday, and was ready for a some down time. She had been shuffling from doctor to doctor in order to ascertain the nature of the lump she had discovered several months earlier. I was stunned by her news, and was navigating an unfamiliar freeway, so our conversation was brief.
A blur of doctor appointments, treatment, hospitalizations, hope, and denial swirled past me for the next seven months. She continued to teach art, and I took two of her classes. Her students had become her friends, so she received energy from teaching. Chemotherapy was started, which made her so sick that she was hospitalized. Different chemotherapy was begun. She lost her hair and experimented with wigs and hats. She was too tired to care for her dog, so a friend took him temporarily. She gave me her house plants. She made funeral arrangements with our priest and wrote her obituary. She started giving friends pieces of her art and jewelry. She donated her body to the local university where she had once taught. She took care of all of the end-of-life details so that her sons wouldn't have to do it after she died. She did all this while hanging on to the hope that this cancer might be reduced to a manageable condition. This started to seem possible.
She joined my family for Thanksgiving Dinner and we enjoyed sitting on the front porch chatting in the mild November weather. She organized a Christmas potluck at the Art Center where she taught. We went to church together on Christmas Eve, and several people mentioned how beautiful she looked. She and her son spent Christmas day together, and she made the meal she most wanted-tuna casserole. She enjoyed the company of her three cats.
She decided she needed a land line in case she needed to call for help and her cell phone was out of power. We made an awful trip to the cell phone store, where she was hardly able to walk from the car to the store and had to sit down as soon as we made it through the door. The salesman was not patient with her difficulty expressing her thoughts, but we finally got what we came for. She went in for scans, then we had a conference with her doctor. Her son, and six or seven friends gathered in a tiny room designed for four people at most. Her difficulty walking was a symptom of the cancer which had metastasized to her brain and bones. It was also present in her lungs. She was admitted to a hospital room at once to begin a 12 day course of radiation of her brain. She seemed eager to get this treatment.

2011-09-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

Summer weather is here, which means that Summer Day Treatment cannot be far behind. Summer Day Treatment means that we will spend more time indoors with the kids because the high temperatures and high humidity levels outside make being there uncomfortable. It also usually means that my aides may change as we get settled. What all this really means is that I am sick of my job, mostly because my schedule allows little free time. It's killing me. Now that I have decided to quit after Summer Day Treatment is over, I am scared. I fear slipping deeper into depression, like I am doing today. I fear loneliness. I feel unsettled. I will miss parts of my work-the people I see every day, the families I work with, the pretty parts of my drive, having good supervisors, having support staff, the teamwork approach to getting the job done. I don't think that I will ever work for pay again. I'm so tired of being always on the go, of having nearly every minute scheduled. I could sleep for days, maybe years.

Another Funeral

2011-09-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

My cousin died this week. She was 60. She had cancer, breast cancer, 15 yrs.ago, then remission, then it came back and killed her. She was much loved by her family, students, friends, and fellow church members, and her funeral was standing room only. She was a devout Christian, an evangelical Christian. She got up every morning at 4:30 to have her, "time with the Lord." I was mystified by her brand of religion. She stopped going to Mardi Gras parades. Her children didn't believe in the Easter Bunny. She invited me to come to her church. I did not go or want to go. I felt superior to her because she was a fundamentalist. Years later we came to an understanding concerning our spiritual lives. I visited her new church. We remained close, especially in the last year or so. What struck me at her funeral was the remark I heard over and over. "She never said anything bad about anybody." And she didn't. She called people who were lonely, slept on the floor of the hospital waiting room when her childhood friend was dying, called her mother every day, taught history to fifth graders, raised two wonderful daughters, and remained a vibrant and entertaining person who was fun to be around. She enjoyed her life immensely. She was a happy person. Now I think that what I saw in her life was a product of her ,"time with the Lord." At some point she told me that God had showed her that she didn't know anything. I took this to mean that she had opened up to the idea that there are many ways to follow the example of Christ. I'm thinking now that her life was lived with her God , and that I have been fortunate to have been the recipient of her love and care. Her emails in these last months have been so full of hope and praise. She was exhausted by chemotherapy and its side effects. Her test results were disappointing. Still she thanked God for her family and friends. Looking back, I realize how remarkable she was. She was a person who fully became the woman God had intended her to be. She lived her life with joy. I will miss her loving kindness and uninhibited personality.

Memorial Day Weekend

2010-05-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

Got 2 more days of vacation. Our trip to the beach was rained out today. Still cleaning up stuff from my office. Feel like all I do is work at work and at home. Having a house is work and expensive. We would be in trouble except for inherited cash. Thank goodness for that. Hoping to change my life soon in order to have some time devoted to play. I would have to quit my job, but would probably be happier. I don't have much of a life as it is, but I do like being a part of my work group. Time for a change, I guess. I will see how I feel when I get back on Tuesday. At least I have helpers at work.

2010-05-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

Feeling sad and lonely. On vacation and working harder than at my job. Realizing how many relationships I have sacrificed since I started working 6 yrs. ago. Knowing that when I retire I will develop or renew friendships, but still feeling the loss of my former life.

Christmas Vacation

2009-12-26T23:40:00.000-08:00

Loving the after Christmas solitude of having the house to myself. No thermostat battles or any other battles, just quiet or movies playing while I relax. I need this kind of unstructured time to unwind. I feel nourished by it. I hate having my time nearly completely scheduled-that feels like prison for the brain. I need to be alone to recharge. A recurring theme when LeRoy is at home. Makes me wonder what retirement will be like. Will I be able to enjoy it?

2009-12-04T18:47:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine died yesterday. He had cancer, which he survived for years with grace and determination. My reaction to his death surprised me. We knew each other for a year over 30 years ago, but got together at reunions several times, the last one a year ago. He seemed to stride through life like a splendid warrior, facing whatever adversaries he met with confidence. He seemed larger than life. Maybe that's the reason that I experienced his death like a punch in the gut. He was strong, beautiful, and brave, like the classical heroes. He was supposed to be the one who could conquer this terrible opponent. He said he was too stubborn to die, and I believed him. He was a hero to his many friends and his family. I imagine him now in the Elysian Fields, with others who died nobly, in combat with powerful adversaries.

Feeling Winterish

2009-11-30T18:24:00.000-08:00

Driving home in the dark drizzle, chilly wind blowing, cold feet-for the first time this year it seems like winter. Tomorrow is December first, Christmas decorations are up in some yards and the colored lights are welcome on this dark afternoon. The holidays are a somber time time for me-too many expectations. Makes me want to hibernate until the sun comes out. Makes me wish for a fireplace and a cup of hot cocoa. Makes me wish for Daddy's house with the wood burning in the stove and fresh hot bread coming out of the oven.

Sharing space

2009-08-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

I've been off from work for a week, with another week to go. The first week, I worked getting contractors set up for the tree trimming, the blind installation, and the tiling of the bathroom. I picked out tile and scheduled the measuring of the bathroom and the unhooking of the bath tub. I scheduled the installation of the tile. I went to the orthopedist, the orthotist, the urologist, the gynecologist, the general practitioner, the hair stylist and got a mammogram. I hunted for specialty light bulbs that had burned out. I worked on putting things away that are still unpacked. I was exhausted, but did manage to watch a couple of movies I had been wanting to see.
My husband came home on Thursday night, and immediately started his coming home routine of frantic activity, with its constant electronic accompaniment of television and radio. I felt invaded. I lost it-it being my temper, my cool, my mind. I started looking on the internet for noise canceling headphones. I found some and ordered them. I also started planning getaways from the house. I thought of going to our river house with my book, which I probably will do. I thought of ways to design a quiet space in my bedroom for reading. Mostly I felt scared. Not of physical harm, but of feeling trapped. Being trapped is my worst fear-being trapped in my relationship, in my family, in my job, in my aging body with its injuries and pains. When I feel trapped, I feel powerless, which leads to hopelessness, which leads to depression.
We bought this house for its numerous good features, but plentiful space is not one of them. I love my solitude. I love silence, which allows me to relax. I need silence in order to think clearly. Silence nourishes my soul. Without it I feel trapped.

2009-07-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

I watched a podcast I think. I probably cheated because Lella had sent a link to me in my email. It was a great sermon on saving the earth. I found another great site on youtube-a satirical Christian speaker named Betty talking about biblical marriage. Betty Bowers explains biblical marriage to everyone else is the name of the video. For something really weird, look at Cathie Jung, who has reduced her waist to 15 inches by wearing smaller and smaller corsets 24 hours a day for 25 years-grotesque!

2009-07-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

The 4th July weekend is over, tomorrow is Monday. I've had a busy weekend, lots of people with whom to interact. Now I need some quiet time, but it's back to the kids tomorrow. Leroy will be leaving tomorrow, so I will get some time for myself in the evenings. Two more weeks of the summer program, so we're on the downhill slide to July 17! I'm hoping to take some time off after that. Lots of stuff to do here. We're slowly getting the house in shape-ordered the blinds today, and got an amazing deal on them. They will be here July 28. Supper Club this weekend, and maybe some time for getting things straightened up and cleaned. Loving my book on cd-The Book of Love.

From Lego to Mage

2009-06-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am usually writing on Saturday, when I have time to hang out. Today I plan to shop for clothes and unpack the last box. I started already unpacking and found myself building with the legos that I found in the box. Yes, we have saved all the many, many legos from the "boys" childhood. They represent a huge investment on our part and countless hours of play on theirs. They also represent the close relationship between them. Legos eventually gave way to role playing games, which have survived to this day as an activity that they share.

2009-06-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

This is my experience with RSS. It was not too bad, and I found that I had already subscribed to a blog.

2009-06-07T17:36:00.000-07:00

Now I will describe my very interesting life. Today I am trying to get my house ready for the week, but have been sidetracked by facebook and this blog. I did see some lovely pictures of my cousin , her children and grandchildren. Now to organize the recycling!

2009-06-07T17:35:00.001-07:00

I am so excited that I have successfully created a blog!

2009-06-07T17:34:00.001-07:00

This is better!

2009-06-07T17:18:00.000-07:00

Somehow I got this format. I will change it later